activism, Immigration, Satires

Forget the Wall – I Want a Dome!

Build a wall to stop homo sapiens from traveling across the continent?

The Rocky Mountains didn’t stop people. The Bering Strait didn’t stop people.

And you think a wall will do it? Maybe if you include lots of decorative razor wire?

Supply & Demand – Capitalism 101

Let me pause briefly to explain capitalism.

Sometimes there’s a demand for a product, or for labor, or for a better place to live – and as if by magic, a supply crops up to fill it!

It’s almost like there’s an invisible hand benignly guiding the whole operation.

People want flat-screen TVs? Capitalism fills the demand (and fills the Earth with the old models – more on that presently).

People want illegal drugs and non-prescription pharmaceuticals? There’ll be a supply – you can bet your stock-market money on it.

People demand better snack bars? Voila, Nugo bars, with 12 grams of protein and they taste like a Snickers bar! Now that’s progress!

So – when US farmers need cheap labor, when US yuppies need cheap house-cleaners, or when the CIA ransacks Latin American countries and induces people to trek hundreds of miles in search of a livable home – gee, small surprise that a supply rises to fill the demand.

Walls Just Won’t Work

Walls will never stop the law of supply and demand. There’s never been a wall, or a sea, that could stop humans bent on their destination.

Nor will walls stop 911-style fanatics or Oklahoma City-type domestic terrorists, which some people think might be a greater threat than the Southern border.

(Nor will walls stop rising sea levels. But that’s another – if closely related – story)

Time For a Dome

No, if we want to secure the Beloved Capitalist Homeland (ie, the patches of Earth that on maps are labelled “USA”), a wall will simply never work.

We need a dome.

And not just any dome, but one designed by American ingenuity and technological prowess.

A noble dome, projecting our justice-loving essence upward and outward toward a hostile world that hates us because we are so free.

Picture it – a shiny bubble of ultra-high-tech plasticene, crowning our purple mountains’ majesty, above the fruit-filled plains where our much-revered corporate farms grow the bio-engineered self-harvesting foodstuffs that will sustain us after we fire all of the immigrant laborers.

And the jobs it will create! The plastics industry will boom. Engineers will grow rich computing and testing the exact parabolic arch of the dome. Universities will wax fat on the research handouts.

Even manual laborers will find work cleaning and polishing the dome’s inviolable surface.

Please Donate Now!

We face a national crisis! The government is stymied by legislative paralysis, party politics, lack of vision, and the Bozo in the Oval Office.

We The People must act to ensure our domestic security. If we begin constructing a dome, the American electorate will rally to our righteous cause, and the government will be compelled to assist us!

Please contribute generously, and we will begin building a dome now! Or at least talking a lot about it!

Email small, unmarked bills to: BuildTheDomeNow@Scammail.us

Freedom now! Build the Dome!

Decorative razor wire photo from Military Times.

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Culture, Satires

Becoming A Cultural Influencee

I think I’ve found my new activist calling. I am going to apply to be a cultural influencee.

First I thought I might try to be an influencer. But it looks like you have to do stuff like go on the internet all the time and tell people your innermost random thoughts and all the times someone disses you at a nightclub. That doesn’t sound very fun.

But when I look at the people who are becoming influencers, it’s an impressive bunch – we’re talking Cardi B, Keireth Knightly, and even Steph Curry. Women, people of color, women who are people of color, people of color who are trans women, trans women who are not yet people of color but aspire one day to be – my kind of folks!

An Ally to the Rich and Famous

I started thinking – maybe instead of trying to be a famous influencer myself, I should endeavor to support these already-famous celebrities of diversity.

When they do something that aims to influence people, such as denouncing the president or wearing a new brand of shoes, I could be among the first to be influenced.

I’d be sort of an early adopter of influences.

Just My Luck

Of course, it would be just my luck that I’d wind up starting a trend, and pretty soon everyone would want to be the first in line to be influenced by famous influencers. I’d have to tweet press releases disclaiming any intent to actually influence people to be influenced, all the while realizing that my denial was likely to influence impressionable people to start yet another trend.

So for the record – please respect my desire not to start a cultural trend by becoming an influencee. Go find your own way to impact society!

You can support my efforts to become a cultural influencee by donating to my Anarchist A-Go-Go fund – email small, unmarked bills or large chunks of unsweetened chocolate to: <directactionnovel@gmail.com>

Photo: Famous cultural icon Cardi B, shown here influencing people to make weird faces.

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Culture, Satires

America Struggles With Boot-Polish Addiction

Epidemic having deleterious impact on democracy

The United States, already mired in an opiod crisis, is now struggling with a massive addiction to boot polish.

A wave of addictions and abuse have swept the South and the lower Midwest in the past two years, and taken strong hold in the old Rust Belt states.

Many people begin by drooling after the shiny loafers of Fox News commentators. But soon they are subscribing directly to the President’s Twitter feed, lusting after even a glimpse of his buffed leather shoes.

Once hooked, only daily infusions of a thin veneer of recently-applied polish can satisfy the craving.

While the addiction is seldom fatal to individuals, its cumulative impact on democracy is already devastating.

The only possibly cure is for addicts to give up their habit cold turkey by turning off Fox and reading the Guardian, the Times, and the Post.

Book Review, Satires

The Hardy Girls – Luke Hauser’s Latest!

Update: Volume 2 is on the way! Due Summer 2020: The Mystery of the Derailed Train.

Direct Action author Luke Hauser, writing under as Dixie W. Franklin, has released Volume 1 of The Hardy Girls Mystery Series.”

The Mystery of Rafferty’s Farm

Join Francesca and Josephine Hardy as they set out to solve their first mystery!

Frank and Joe Hardy, former teen detectives, have been retired since their youthful sleuthing wiped out all crime in Bayport. But now a new generation of criminal is back – and it’s up the the Hardy Girls to crack the case, while avoiding parental scrutiny and staying one step ahead of bumbling police chief Oscar Smuff.

The Hardy Girls’ mystery series walks that fine line between fan fiction, social satire, and a rip-roaring kids’ chapter book.

Available in print, downloadable book-formatted PDF, or read online.

Visit their new website: hardygirls01.wordpress.com

activism, Culture, Economics, Satires

Online Underwear Ads – Was It Mom?

Underwear Ads & Maternal Concerns

Am I the only one that gets these bright, cheery underwear ads on the home page of my favorite pop-news website? Little pictures of the midsections of svelte young models wearing tight, colorful briefs.

DA-Blog-Undies03-boxersThe JPGs alternate in what old-school binarists would label a male/female pattern, which bothered me at first. But in my experience there are no hard and fast boundaries about who wears what undies, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt on that count.

But I had to wonder – why do I get underwear ads, period, when I’ve never ordered underwear online? Continue reading “Online Underwear Ads – Was It Mom?”

Culture, Resources & Downloads, Satires

Funky Nixons – Now Streaming!

Berkeley’s finest all-weather activist ensemble, the infamous Funky Nixons, are now streaming online at all sites.

The band, known locally as The House Band of Peoples Park, features a bend of rock, rap, and country, and provides expert commentary on the burning issues of our time.

Listen free on Youtube | Spotify

Free downloads of mp3 files also available.

Click here for more info and links.

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Culture, Economics, Satires

Eat4U – New Restaurant Sensation!

More economics satires & musings by Luke Hauser

Move to San Francisco to be near all of the great restaurants, and never have time to dine out?

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Tired of eating GrubHub’s warmed over versions of yesterday’s leftovers?

Too lazy to order Hello Plastic and cook a shrink-wrapped meal for yourself?

You need Eat 4 U!

Eat 4 U – the amazing new restaurant service that let’s you, the customer, take charge of dining out!

You choose the restaurant. You choose the menu items. You even choose Continue reading “Eat4U – New Restaurant Sensation!”

Culture, Satires

Luke Hauser’s New Philosophy Mystery

Direct Action author Luke Hauser’s second novel – a murder mystery steeped in Western philosophy – is now available in print, as well as downloadable PDF and read-online versions.

Proceed at your own risk.

Visit epistmystery.wordpress.com or Amazon

Being & Nothingness: An Epistemological Murder Mystery

Philosophy professors are getting bumped off.

Humble yet diligent grad student Jeff Harrison sets out to apprehend the killer while unravelling a few of the mysteries of Western philosophy in the process.

It’s not all blood and guts and dead professors. You’ll meet:

• Johann the paralogical custodian

• Watson the behaviorist cat Continue reading “Luke Hauser’s New Philosophy Mystery”

Culture, Satires

Turnstile Jumping Etiquette

When jumping BART turnstiles, please observe the following safety and courtesy guidelines. Thanks for helping make BART a better system for all riders!

(1) To avoid delays, please tag your clipper card before jumping.

(2) Please allow elderly and mobility-impaired riders to jump first.

(3) For added safety, please use both hands when jumping.

(4) Absolutely no texting while turnstile jumping!

Image: BizJournal.com

Guidelines courtesy BART rider Derek J.


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