Culture, Satires

I’ve Been Ingesting Chlorine

Sodium chloride (rock salt, halite, table salt), crystal structu

I admit it – I’ve been ingesting chlorine. On a daily basis. So far, there are no ill effects except I’m often thirsty.

I’ve heard from many people, some of whom are actually on TV, that chlorine is good for you, so I decided to double my intake during shelter-in-place.

According to what I hear, it isn’t just good for curing pandemics. It may actually turn out to be an essential health supplement!

Cashews vs Popcorn: Crumbs in the Mask

My favorite ingestion system is potato chips and popcorn. But lately cashews have hit the spot – protein and chlorine at the same time. Plus fewer crumbs in my mask.

It’s gotten to where I’ve found myself adding chlorine to vegetables, boiled potatoes, even a dash in my oatmeal. Yum!

Really, once you get the taste for it, everything tastes better with chlorine! Luckily, it’s cheap and easily accessible.

You can buy crystalized chlorine here

Make Your Own Chlorine Crystals!

Or make your own edible chlorine crystals by adding 39.34 grams of sodium (Na) to 60.66 gram of chlorine (Cl). Shake, don’t stir. Let stand for a few minutes – and voila! Ingestible chlorine!

Illustration: Sodium Chloride – the miracle molecule.

Economics, Satires

Jobs Crash – Dow Booms

DowBest-CNBCMadMoney

Shawn Langlois of MarketWatch flagged this marvelously sickening screenshot from CNBC’s Jim Cramer (Mad Money): “Everything that is wrong with America.”

While millions lose jobs and faced financial ruin, the Dow chalks up its best week in 80 years.

Of course, that prior “best” was during the Great Depression, so maybe we shouldn’t be so surprised.

Economic Musings by Luke Hauser – short and sometimes funny!

 

Culture, Satires

Witches Fail To Levitate Mitch McConnell

McConnell-Levitate-ThisWeekABC

ABC News reports that a coven of masked witches attempted and failed to levitate US Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R, KY).

The masked pagans surrounded the hapless politician at the Kentucky Statehouse and demanded that he speak out for social justice during this time of national crisis. When McConnell failed to recognize the meaning of word “justice,” the protesters turned to Plan B – levitate the banana slug until the next election.*

Sadly, McConnell had his shields (if not his face mask) in place, and remained rooted to the marble floor.

The coven vowed to hold online zoom rituals to boost their psychic powers and shift their attention to levitating the President during one of his daily televised coronavirus rallies.

Photo and original report from This Week ABC.

More satires from Luke Hauser: https://directaction.org/category/satires/

* – UPDATE – Responding to a flurry of complaints from readers, Luke Hauser apologizes to banana slugs everywhere!

 

Culture, Economics, Satires

ToiletShare – New Tech Start-Up!

Toilet-HighTech-ToykoWeekender

To all venture capitalists and others with too much money on their hands:

My company is called ToiletShare – we sublet time-share toilets to techies. After all, you can’t “function” without toilets!

Our innovative, cutting edge, high tech idea is – most of the time, toilets are sitting unoccupied. What if instead of paying for toilet-time you don’t use, you simply paid for a block of toilet time that you and your employees could use at your discretion?

ToiletShare maintains a worker-friendly environment, with quality reading material and relaxing muzak.

Bonus – ToiletShare monitors all toilet-related activity and provides a complete monthly report of employee toilet usage.

Can we have $5 billion for starts?

Photo – Tokyo Weekender

More economics satires & musings by Luke Hauser

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activism, Culture, Music, Satires

Funky Nixons – Still Not Crooks!

Funky Nixons now on all streaming services!

Youtube | Spotify

The Funky Nixons – Berkeley’s Finest

Direct Action author Luke Hauser helped launch the infamous Funky Nixons, known in the Bay Area as the House Band of Peoples Park (ie, we played there a lot and provided backup for other performers).

Although Hauser – now a part-time recluse living under assumed names due to unremitting pursuit by international espionage agents – left the band years ago, the rest of the crew persists in their nefarious career, and perform several times a year in the Bay Area.

Streaming income supports this website! Get to it!

Songs include

Screw the Rich

L.A. Driver

Smoke a Joint with Jesus

We Support the Troops

Immigrant Man

Barbara Bush’s Dog

Funky Nixons now on all streaming services!

Youtube | Spotify

FN-CD-Cover-Front2016-large

 

activism, Culture, Satires

Curbing Rampant Pedestrianism

Lately I’ve noticed an ugly phenomenon in our fair bayside communities – careless and inconsiderate pedestrians have been taking over the sidewalks, forcing legally-sanctioned scooter riders to dodge, swerve, and ultimately to dismount and walk their electrified vehicles!

This has got to stop! Unfortunately, no one acts more entitled than a pedestrian on a sidewalk.

We need to get pedestrians under control before someone gets hurt. When I see scooters constantly having to dodge people on foot, I know it’s just a matter of time until a careless pedestrian is going to accidentally hit and kill a scooter rider. I’m surprised it hasn’t accidentally happened already. Those kind of accidents are to be expected when pedestrians get out of control.

Pedestrian Lanes & Laws

I propose that all sidewalks be marked with clear lanes, and pedestrians be required to stay in their lane unless they signal a turn at least 50 feet in advance.

Anyone intending to walk around SF or Oakland must obtain a license; provide proof of insurance (in case they accidentally hurt a scooter or a scooter-rider); and at all times wear a helmet, kneepads, and turn signals.

A Long-Term Vision

Ultimately, our urban vision must eliminate pedestrians entirely from the city. If enough scooters are strewn around on sidewalks and streets and dumpsters and lakes, there will no longer be any excuse for walking.

Join our campaign to eliminate pedestrianism! Email bartcourier@gmail.com

Image: San Francisco activists pile yuppie scooters in front of techie megabus.

scooter

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activism, Immigration, Satires

Forget the Wall – I Want a Dome!

Build a wall to stop homo sapiens from traveling across the continent?

The Rocky Mountains didn’t stop people. The Bering Strait didn’t stop people.

And you think a wall will do it? Maybe if you include lots of decorative razor wire?

Supply & Demand – Capitalism 101

Let me pause briefly to explain capitalism.

Sometimes there’s a demand for a product, or for labor, or for a better place to live – and as if by magic, a supply crops up to fill it!

It’s almost like there’s an invisible hand benignly guiding the whole operation.

People want flat-screen TVs? Capitalism fills the demand (and fills the Earth with the old models – more on that presently).

People want illegal drugs and non-prescription pharmaceuticals? There’ll be a supply – you can bet your stock-market money on it.

People demand better snack bars? Voila, Nugo bars, with 12 grams of protein and they taste like a Snickers bar! Now that’s progress!

So – when US farmers need cheap labor, when US yuppies need cheap house-cleaners, or when the CIA ransacks Latin American countries and induces people to trek hundreds of miles in search of a livable home – gee, small surprise that a supply rises to fill the demand.

Walls Just Won’t Work

Walls will never stop the law of supply and demand. There’s never been a wall, or a sea, that could stop humans bent on their destination.

Nor will walls stop 911-style fanatics or Oklahoma City-type domestic terrorists, which some people think might be a greater threat than the Southern border.

(Nor will walls stop rising sea levels. But that’s another – if closely related – story)

Time For a Dome

No, if we want to secure the Beloved Capitalist Homeland (ie, the patches of Earth that on maps are labelled “USA”), a wall will simply never work.

We need a dome.

And not just any dome, but one designed by American ingenuity and technological prowess.

A noble dome, projecting our justice-loving essence upward and outward toward a hostile world that hates us because we are so free.

Picture it – a shiny bubble of ultra-high-tech plasticene, crowning our purple mountains’ majesty, above the fruit-filled plains where our much-revered corporate farms grow the bio-engineered self-harvesting foodstuffs that will sustain us after we fire all of the immigrant laborers.

And the jobs it will create! The plastics industry will boom. Engineers will grow rich computing and testing the exact parabolic arch of the dome. Universities will wax fat on the research handouts.

Even manual laborers will find work cleaning and polishing the dome’s inviolable surface.

Please Donate Now!

We face a national crisis! The government is stymied by legislative paralysis, party politics, lack of vision, and the Bozo in the Oval Office.

We The People must act to ensure our domestic security. If we begin constructing a dome, the American electorate will rally to our righteous cause, and the government will be compelled to assist us!

Please contribute generously, and we will begin building a dome now! Or at least talking a lot about it!

Email small, unmarked bills to: BuildTheDomeNow@Scammail.us

Freedom now! Build the Dome!

Decorative razor wire photo from Military Times.

RazorWireWall-MilitaryTimes

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