All Episodes Below!
Para-Journalist Luke Hauser goes underground to get the scoop on President-For-Life candidate Phineas J. Pennystock!
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Episodes posted in blog-order, most recent first. Some of the best are at the bottom!
15 – Pennystock Unveils Endorsement from Jesus
14 – Mr Pennystock – New Miracles Reported!
13 – Mr Pennystock Backs Flat-Earth Law
12 – Gender Change Bad, Dead Whale Heads Okay
11 – Mr Pennystock Proposes a National Security Border Dome
10 – VP Candidate Clarifies “Hitler” Comparison
09 – Mr Pennystock Divorces his Robot-AI Wife
08 – Europeans Are True First People
07 – Flat Feetitis Prevents Mr Pennystock’s Military Service
06 – Mr Pennystock Re-Writes the Bible
05 – Praising Putin + Invading Mexico
04 – Running for President-For-Life
03 – Make Slavery Legal Again!
02 – Mr Pennystock Dodges the Bullet
01 – President Pennystock Sells Fart NFTs
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Episode 15 – Pennystock Unveils Last-Minute Endorsement from Jesus!
President-For-Life candidate Phineas J. Pennystock today tweeted an endorsement from Jesus of Nazareth (aka Jesus Christ, the Eternal Savior, the Son of the Almighty, etc).
The endorsement, which claimed to speak for the entire Trinity as well as a majority of the heavenly host, calls the candidate “the Chosen of the Lord,” “the Anointed of God,” and “the Avenging Sword of Divine Retribution.”
It promised special blessings as well as a chance to win an autographed All-American Bible to all who register to vote for Mr Pennystock in what the devout believe could be the final pre-Apocalyptic election.
A coalition of progressive denominations denounced the alleged endorsement, stating categorically that Jesus would never support someone who calls the book of Second Corinthians “Two Corinthians” and constantly cheats at golf.
Mr Pennystock retorted that he was certain the endorsement was genuine, as he had seen it on the internet that very morning.
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EPISODE 14 – Pennystock Miracles Reported
President-for-Life candidate Phineas J. Pennystock today delighted a crowd by levitating onto and off of the same rally stage where he previously dodged an assassin’s bullets.
Numerous eye-witnesses confirmed Mr Pennystock’s assertion that on arrival he had floated through the air and was hovering inches above the stage as he spoke.
“That’s something you’ll never see anyone from the Biden-Harris Crime Syndicate do,” he boasted before settling into a 45-minute monolog about immigration, foreigners, and those who insist on becoming People of Color.
Sightings and Miracles Abound
The levitation claims were not the first miracles involving Mr Pennystock. Supporters have reported hazy yet unmistakably orange apparitions at sacred zoysia groves in several swing states.
Rumors of otherwise inexplicable healings of painful bone spurs afflicting GOP voters were re-tweeted by Mr Pennystock last week.
And a reliable source claimed that 5000 ordinary hamburgers were magically transformed into Big Macs following an Alabama football game.
*****
EPISODE 13 – Pennystock Supports Flat-Earth Law
President-For-Life candidate Phineas J. Pennystock today announced qualified support for an Oklahoma law which requires all schools to teach that, in accordance with scripture, the Earth is flat.
“While I am entirely in alignment with the spirit of this law, which by the way the Biden-Harris Crime Syndicate opposes, I want to reiterate my unwavering support for states’ rights. Each state has the Constitutional right to decide for itself what shape the Earth is, just as each state gets to decide whether women have reproductive rights.”
Pennystock initially kept silent on the Oklahoma law, and some speculated that he feared losing the Evangelical vote if he spoke out in favor of a round Earth, while a law mandating a flat-Earth curriculum might be off-putting to science nerds.
However, his deft states’ rights stance finessed both flat-Earth and abortion-rights issues, and assured that both science and Constitutional rights would henceforth be available strictly on a state-by-state basis.
*****
EPISODE 12 – Pennystock: Gender Change Bad, Dead Whale Heads Okay
President-for-Life candidate Pennystock today declared his unswerving opposition to gender-affirmation surgery for “illegal aliens” in the nation’s prisons.
While Mr Pennystock did not specifically rule out such procedures for native-born inmates or non-incarcerated immigrants, he stated:
“If America is ever to great again, as it was back when I worked day and night to inherit my wealth, we must prevent my radical Marxist feminist opponent from implementing her San Francisco Trotskyite agenda of forcing everyone to use taxpayers’ money to change genders while in jail!”
Pets Taboo – Whale Heads Okay
The candidate also courted the suburban vote by lambasting illegal aliens for eating people’s household pets. While short on specific examples, Mr Pennystock quadrupled down and proposed stiff tariffs on all imported edible pets.
When asked if he also opposed dumping dead bear cubs in Central Park or amputating dead whales’ heads and strapping them to the roof of your car, Mr Pennystock declared transportation of whale heads and dead bear cubs to be a state-by-state issue, then went on a five-minute bender about urban crime.
*****
EPISODE 11 – Pennystock Proposes Plexiglass Border Dome
President-For-Life candidate Phineas J. Pennystock today unveiled his border security plan – a plexiglass dome that will cover the entire country (as well as Canada if they agree to pay for the whole thing).
The dome, which will be manufactured by low-cost labor in Mexico, will provide an airtight security buffer to prevent drug dealers, illegal aliens, international terrorists, and small furry animals from trespassing on the sacred soil of the Homeland.
A newly-created Border Sanctity Detachment will patrol the dome’s periphery day and night, using a special Patriot Windex formula to keep the plexiglass clean and shiny.
When a reporter pointed out that the greatest threat to national security is actually unhinged US citizens who are already inside the dome, Mr Pennystock observed that domestic terrorists tend to be white people, so it was okay.
*****
EPISODE 10 – VP Clarifies Hitler Comparison
President-For-Life candidate Pennystock recently surprised the political world by anointing a former critic, B. S. Scroungybeard, as his Designated Underling.
Mr. Scroungybeard, who in his memoir Bootlicker’s Elegy described Mr Pennystock as “Hitler” and “heroin,” clarified his earlier remarks.
“People are under the impression that I lack a profound and unwavering faith in our leader, that I might be unwilling to bend unquestioningly to his will should it prove necessary in his eyes. Nothing could be further from the truth.
“When I called him ‘America’s Hitler,” I meant that in a good way – that he was well-groomed, and would clean up the country and clear out the undesirables.
“And when I said he was ‘cultural heroin,’ I meant that Americans would become addicted to his outstanding policies.”
Meanwhile, Mr Scroungybeard continued to set records for the lowest approval rating of any vice presidential candidate since Richard Nixon ran under Eisenhower.
*****
EPISODE 09 – Pennystock Divorces Robot-AI Wife
President-for-Life candidate Pennystock was forced this week to backtrack and file for a quickie divorce from his robot-AI wife.
The AI spouse, which was trained on current news stories, had taken to denouncing Pennystock as a fraud, con artist, and sexual abuser.
Robotic spouses have become increasingly popular with the incel crowd, but training the virtual partners has presented problems. Early AI programming had to be dumbed down to the extent that it didn’t even qualify as “intelligence.”
However, a breakthrough came when Elon Musk proposed training the robots strictly on Only Fans sites. Mr Pennystock has been promised one of the first of the new models.
*****
EPISODE 08 – Europeans Are True First People
Mr Pennystock announced that his first action as President-For-Life will be to present a Constitutional Amendment affirming that Europeans were the true first people of this great country.
He challenged anyone else to show title to the land prior to 1620, when the Plymouth settlers drafted their first deeds.
“They’ve got nothing! Anyone else was squatting, living under freeways, that sort of thing. We have no place in our great society for freeloaders and others who don’t pay rent!”
In proposing the Constitutional Amendment declaring that the pilgrims were the first legally-recognized inhabitants of North America, Mr Pennystock vowed that the Justice Department will file suit against any tribal government, university, nonprofit, or other entity which claims that others besides Euros were the “first people” of this land.
Putting teeth behind the pledge, Mr Pennystock’s followers have created a Capitalism-A-Go-Go fund to raise money for the lawsuits, which will be filed against any and all slanderers of Euro supremacy.
*****
Episode 07 – Flat-Feetitis Prevents Mr P’s Military Service
During his younger days, which he spent arduously preparing to inherit millions from his real-estate-speculator father, My Pennystock was tragically forced to forego the privilege of serving his country in Vietnam due to a flareup of a rare but extremely painful bout of flat-feetitis.
Mr Pennystock’s doctors — among the best-paid in their field — strictly forbade all strenuous activities such as hiking through jungles, dodging bayonet attacks, and eating K-Rations.
Occasional Daily Golf Okayed
At most, Mr Pennystock is allowed the occasional daily round of golf, provided his playing partners understand that his flat feet often compel him to ever-so-slightly change the placement of the ball in order to abide by his doctors’ stringent demands.
Mr Pennystock’s severe case of flat feet is also believed to be related to his chronic bouts of constipation. However, that’s a different matter, and will be addressed at length in forthcoming episodes!
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EPISODE 06 – Mr Pennystock Re-Writes the Bible
President-For-Life candidate Mr. Pennystock today announced publication of a new version of the Bible, to be known as the Pennystock Winners Version.
The new Bible will include additional text not found in ordinary Bibles, such as inspirational quotes from Mr Pennystock about how great he is. The quotes, to be spliced into the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, and the Agony on the Cross, will be printed in purple ink.
Certain outmoded passages will be excised from the new Bible, such as verses calling for Christians to “turn the other cheek” and “love your enemies,” or suggesting that the “last shall be first.”
“Get serious — the ‘last’ are losers,” Mr. Pennystock said as he autographed copies of the Holy Writ. “That’s why they’re last!
“My Bible is a book for winners, not losers!”
*****
EPISODE 05 – Praising Putin + Invading Mexico
In his latest straight-from-the-toilet tweet, President-For-Life candidate Mr Pennystock lauded the virtues and achievements of his hero, Vlad “the Mad Bomber” Putin.
Acknowledging that Mr Putin’s unprovoked attack on a small neighboring country has not gone quite as well as planned, Mr Pennystock took the opportunity to announce that his own invasion of Mexico will go much better, and will in point of fact be the greatest invasion ever.
“We will start from behind the greatest wall ever built in the history of the world, a wall that you can see from Mars and probably could see from Pluto if it was a planet, which by the way I intend to rectify as soon as I am named President-for-Life — and we will conquer the evil hordes of foreign-speaking people who harass our border, take all the best jobs, and and say mean things about us!”
In spite of such strong language, Mr Pennystock assured his minions that his veneration for Mr Putin remains unchanged, and that he particularly appreciates Mr Putin’s firm hand with dissenters and critics of his regime.
“When I am anointed President-For-Life, you’ll hear a lot less criticism of the greatest administration this country has ever know,” he promised. “Soon, dissent will be a thing of the past, and we can put the First Amendment to bed.”
*****
EPISODE 04 – Running for President-For-Life
Mr Pennystock, who eats fast food, never sleeps, and begins each day sitting on the toilet for an hour hoping for some action, is well-known for his early-morning tweets.
Just this morning Mr Pennystock sent 17 tweets in the span of 16 minutes, a rapid-fire pace even by his Promethean standards.
Fifteen were boilerplate cut-and-paste jobs about how great he was, which most people already knew.
But mixed in as Tweet #7 was a little-noticed announcement that Mr Pennystock plans to allow himself to be drafted to run for President-For-Life of the United States, which is and always has been — until quite recently — the greatest nation in the history of the universe, only it has lately fallen on hard times in which poor people make pests of themselves and people of color get all uppity and LGBTQ+ people insist that they have rights etc etc.
As President-For-Life, as Mr Pennystock promises to rectify this situation by tweeting incessantly about how great America and its President-for-Life are. Dissenters will be imprisoned, or at least given degrading nicknames and slandered on a daily basis.
*****
EPISODE 03 – Make Slavery Legal Again!
Campaigning to be anointed President-For-Life of the United States, Mr Pennystock today called for the annulment of the 13th and 14th Amendments and the restoration of the “right to slavery” as it stood back when America was truly great — namely, in 1820, when the Missouri Compromise resolved the issue on a state-by-state basis.
Asked whether slaves owned by, say, Arizonans would be welcomed (as slaves) in, say, Wyoming, President-For-Life candidate Pennystock reminded listeners that the Supreme Court’s 1857 Dred Scott decision, which he called “massive,” assured slave owners that their property rights would be respected in all states, slave or free.
Regarding the recent applications for statehood of Puerto Rico, Guam, Jamaica, and Argentina, Mr. Pennystock was asked whether he supported a Constitutional Amendment legalizing slavery in all states.
He declined to take a stand, stating that “slavery, like abortion, is a states’ rights issue.”
Mr Pennystock vowed that when elected President-For-Life he would repeal all laws and Amendments which stood in the way of this truly democratic principle.
*****
EPISODE 02 – Mr Pennystock Dodges the Bullet
Mr. Pennystock today escaped an apparent assassination attempt when he dodged several bullets, caught the final one in his teeth, and spat it back so hard it killed the shooter.
As is becoming increasingly clear, Mr Pennystock enjoys the special protection of God, and would have escaped entirely unscathed but for the little-known fact that he has an Achilles Ear.
When he was baptized, Mr Pennystock was immersed in holy water, and would be completely invulnerable but for the fact that the officiating priest was holding him by one ear and failed to completely submerge that appendage.
In the aftermath of the shooting, shares in Pennystock Promises, Inc soared from three cents to a dollar-ninety-five. Mr Pennystock, the majority stockholder in PPI, denied that the attempted assassination was actually a stock-pumping ploy.
*****
EPISODE 01 – Pennystock Sells Fart NFTs
Say hello to Mr. Phineas J. Pennystock, who plans soon to be anointed President-for-Life of the United States.
Mr Pennystock, former CEO of a huge and extremely profitable entertainment/investment conglomerate known as Pennystock Promises, Inc, has (since the bankruptcy of PPI) been involved in a variety of quasi-successful ventures.
Among the most lucrative was a contract to build a decorative wall along the entire Mexican-American border, a project which failed only because of the bitter hatred that would-be immigrants have for this country, a hatred which compels them to risk their lives trying to enter it.
Fart NFTs Prove Lucrative
Mr. Pennystock’s latest project is selling NFTs of his farts, which have proven very popular with his core base.
The NFTs, which are trading for over $1000 each, do not actually entitle the bearers to smell the farts, which are being stored in a secret vault beneath Mr Pennystock’s offshore compound. However, they do assure the bearer that if and when said fart is released, the blockchain entry will bear their name.
In his latest gambit, Mr Pennystock has nominated himself to be President-For-Life of the United States, the greatest country in the history of the universe, which is sadly a completely decrepit and broken-down shell of what it used to be back before integration and rap music and the fad for second languages destroyed all that is good and decent about it!!!
Vowing to Take Back America Again, Mr Pennystock pledged to imprison all journalists, social workers, and Black Lives Matter activists within 30 days of taking office.
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