Russia’s Roscosmos space agency reported this week that its Luna 25 lunar mission had “ceased its existence as a result of a collision with the lunar surface.”
Phew! For a moment there I thought it had crash landed.
The whole thing reminded me of the Monty Python Parrot Sketch.
This is an Ex-Rocket!
Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
Roscosmos Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Luna 25 rocket I purchased not half an hour ago from Roscosmos.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Luna 25… What’s, uh… What’s wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, it’s uh,…it’s resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead rocket when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Owner: No no it’s not dead, it’s restin’! Remarkable rocket, the Luna 25, isn’t it? Beautiful landing gear!
Mr. Praline: The landing gear don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! There, it moved!
Mr. Praline: No, it didn’t, that was you hitting the launching pad!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything…
Mr. Praline:(yelling and hitting the launching pad repeatedly) ‘ELLO LUNA!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock blast off call!
(Takes rocket and thumps it on the launching pad. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that’s what I call a dead rocket.
Owner: No, no….. No, it’s stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was starting up! Luna 25 stuns easily, sir.
Mr. Praline: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That rocket is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out from all its testing!
Owner: Well, it’s…it’s, ah…probably pining for the Kremlin!
Mr. Praline: PININ’ for the KREMLIN?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its nose the moment I got it home?
Owner: The Luna 25 rests on its nose! Remarkable rocket, isn’t it, squire? Lovely nosecone!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that rocket when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing on the launch pad in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
Owner: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that rocket down, it would have instantly blasted off! VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: VOOM?!? Mate, this rocket wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! It’s bleedin’ demised!
Owner: No no! It’s pining for the Kremlin!
Mr. Praline: It’s not pinin’! It’s passed on! This rocket is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch it’d be pushing up daisies! Its metabolic processes are now ‘istory! It’s off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-ROCKET!!
Signed/inscribed copies ($25 US, $50 outside the US) benefit Reclaiming Quarterly and support copy-editing and chants production.
Here’s the back-cover blurb of A Fool Such As I
The owner of Arcane Wisdom Magicke Shoppe is dead. His revolutionary new deck, the Trismegistus Meister Tarot, is missing.
Could the culprit be one of the locals on Oracle Street? Perhaps gnostic sage Madame Bluebloodsky? Self-promoting raconteur Alabaster Crockley? Or maybe feminist maven Wendy Womansdaughter, owner of the Wiccan Wonderland?
Did the shifty mountebank from the esoteric street faire have a hand? And what about millionaire Cornelius De Roquefort, founder of the Headstone Eclectic Metaphysical Outlet chain?
Will the Universal Pan-Pagan Interfaith Council – UPPIC, the highest authority in the brave new Pagan world of the Great Return – succeed in hushing up the affair?
Worse yet, is UPPIC looking for a convenient scapegoat?
Join detective and resident custodian Jeff Harrison as he immerses himself in the minutiae of Tarot, taxing all of his intuitive and janitorial skills in a desperate attempt to clean up the messy affair – before he faces trial by ordeal!
Apologies for yet another Anarchist-A-Go-Go fundraiser – there’s so much to buy these days! – but really, this is the ultimate expression of the Trump presidency. It needs to be preserved for future generations.
Artist Tommy Zegan, a former youth minister who ironically now lives on the south side of The Great Wall, told Politico Playbook that he spent six months creating the golden idol, and previously attempted to donate it to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort but was thwarted by security.
Zegan is asking a paltry $100,000 for what art experts unanimously agree will be considered his masterpiece.
Sadly, the glistening gold-leaf skin tones don’t photograph well. But the flag-motif boxer shorts sure do!
Back in the day, my friend Larry got sent home from high school for wearing a flag T-shirt. It was considered “desecration” of Old Glory. Imagine the response if he’d paraded the halls in flag underwear?
So please – ante up now. Send small unmarked bills or large chunks of 70% dark chocolate to:
Photo courtesy NY Post, which probably thinks it’s a great work of art.
I’m launching an Anarchist-A-Go-Go campaign to send Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk into space. One way.
It’s a win-win. Musk, as he has made sure we know, is devoting his prodigious hucksterist skills to lining his pockets by putting rich people, including himself, into orbit. And Bezos, that renowned tree-hugger, is close behind. Here’s his motto, from the BlueOrigin website: “Earth, in all its beauty, is just our starting place.”
Can you imagine a better slogan for cosmic imperialism? Teddy Roosevelt, eat your heart out!
Bezos, who got rich selling stuff, and Musk, whose sold us on Paypal, have allegedly made the world a better place – for capitalism, if not for humans. Probably they deserve our undying gratitude.
But I don’t anticipate any further social contributions of this magnitude. I think we can let them go. In fact, let’s give them a gentle assist.
It’s easy – take all of the money you were going to spend on Amazon or invest in Elon’s company and send it to my campaign instead! Any surplus funds will be used to send Trump and Giuliani along afterward.
Sorry, we do not accept paypal. Please email small, unmarked bills to our gmail account.
I hate the idea of putting Trump on trial. What a nauseating vision of “democracy.” Not only does it look like a banana-republic show-trial – he’ll be found not-guilty by his Senate toadies.
Show trials have a long and hideous history, from Henry VIII to Robespierre to Stalin. Although our predecessors tended to find their targets guilty, it’s still rotten company.
I have an alternate proposal that will far more effectively end Trump’s political career while sparing us this ugly spectacle – barter a pardon for a public admission of his lies.
Here’s my idea.
We make a list of the Top Ten Trump Lies (decided by audience vote after a televised contest), and he agrees to read the document aloud, with no alteration or addenda, on Fox TV.
In return, Biden pardons Trump and his family for all high crimes, misdemeanors, felonies, and parking violations committed during his term in office.
My guess is that such an admission would destroy Trump as a political actor, far more than a show trial which won’t even find him guilty. And it would spare us the sure-to-be-abused precedent of putting the previous administration on trial.
Henry VIII – all of his show trials ended in convictions
Episode #5 of Radio Free Nixon – now on youtube – cultural mashups featuring Tricky Dick, Barbara Bush, Ronald Reagan, and of course the notorious Funky Nixons, plus cameos by Daffy Duck, the Marx Brothers, Max Fleischer, vintage corporate commercials, social courtesy training movies, and more!
First created as audio soundscapes for Berkeley Liberation Radio around 1999, DJ Milhous has pirated video footage to create a fully immersive audio-visual experience!