Satires

Mount Trumpmore: All Trump All the Time

Trump-Rushmore

Trump’s minions chatter about adding DT to Rushmore as the fifth phizzog.

But if re-elected, no way he’ll share the stage with pikers like Washington and Lincoln. He’ll have them scoured off and devote the famed cliff to four versions of himself.

Early sketches show none of the versions wearing a mask. However, three of the four will be fondling a cellphone.

Photo: LA Times

Culture, Satires

I’ve Been Ingesting Chlorine

Sodium chloride (rock salt, halite, table salt), crystal structu

I admit it – I’ve been ingesting chlorine. On a daily basis. So far, there are no ill effects except I’m often thirsty.

I’ve heard from many people, some of whom are actually on TV, that chlorine is good for you, so I decided to double my intake during shelter-in-place.

According to what I hear, it isn’t just good for curing pandemics. It may actually turn out to be an essential health supplement!

Cashews vs Popcorn: Crumbs in the Mask

My favorite ingestion system is potato chips and popcorn. But lately cashews have hit the spot – protein and chlorine at the same time. Plus fewer crumbs in my mask.

It’s gotten to where I’ve found myself adding chlorine to vegetables, boiled potatoes, even a dash in my oatmeal. Yum!

Really, once you get the taste for it, everything tastes better with chlorine! Luckily, it’s cheap and easily accessible.

You can buy crystalized chlorine here

Make Your Own Chlorine Crystals!

Or make your own edible chlorine crystals by adding 39.34 grams of sodium (Na) to 60.66 gram of chlorine (Cl). Shake, don’t stir. Let stand for a few minutes – and voila! Ingestible chlorine!

Illustration: Sodium Chloride – the miracle molecule.

Economics, Satires

Jobs Crash – Dow Booms

DowBest-CNBCMadMoney

Shawn Langlois of MarketWatch flagged this marvelously sickening screenshot from CNBC’s Jim Cramer (Mad Money): “Everything that is wrong with America.”

While millions lose jobs and faced financial ruin, the Dow chalks up its best week in 80 years.

Of course, that prior “best” was during the Great Depression, so maybe we shouldn’t be so surprised.

Economic Musings by Luke Hauser – short and sometimes funny!

 

Culture, Satires

Witches Fail To Levitate Mitch McConnell

McConnell-Levitate-ThisWeekABC

ABC News reports that a coven of masked witches attempted and failed to levitate US Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R, KY).

The masked pagans surrounded the hapless politician at the Kentucky Statehouse and demanded that he speak out for social justice during this time of national crisis. When McConnell failed to recognize the meaning of word “justice,” the protesters turned to Plan B – levitate the banana slug until the next election.*

Sadly, McConnell had his shields (if not his face mask) in place, and remained rooted to the marble floor.

The coven vowed to hold online zoom rituals to boost their psychic powers and shift their attention to levitating the President during one of his daily televised coronavirus rallies.

Photo and original report from This Week ABC.

More satires from Luke Hauser: https://directaction.org/category/satires/

* – UPDATE – Responding to a flurry of complaints from readers, Luke Hauser apologizes to banana slugs everywhere!

 

Culture, Economics, Satires

ToiletShare – New Tech Start-Up!

Toilet-HighTech-ToykoWeekender

To all venture capitalists and others with too much money on their hands:

My company is called ToiletShare – we sublet time-share toilets to techies. After all, you can’t “function” without toilets!

Our innovative, cutting edge, high tech idea is – most of the time, toilets are sitting unoccupied. What if instead of paying for toilet-time you don’t use, you simply paid for a block of toilet time that you and your employees could use at your discretion?

ToiletShare maintains a worker-friendly environment, with quality reading material and relaxing muzak.

Bonus – ToiletShare monitors all toilet-related activity and provides a complete monthly report of employee toilet usage.

Can we have $5 billion for starts?

Photo – Tokyo Weekender

More economics satires & musings by Luke Hauser

*****

activism, Culture, Music, Satires

Funky Nixons – Still Not Crooks!

Funky Nixons now on all streaming services!

Youtube | Spotify

The Funky Nixons – Berkeley’s Finest

Direct Action author Luke Hauser helped launch the infamous Funky Nixons, known in the Bay Area as the House Band of Peoples Park (ie, we played there a lot and provided backup for other performers).

Although Hauser – now a part-time recluse living under assumed names due to unremitting pursuit by international espionage agents – left the band years ago, the rest of the crew persists in their nefarious career, and perform several times a year in the Bay Area.

Streaming income supports this website! Get to it!

Songs include

Screw the Rich

L.A. Driver

Smoke a Joint with Jesus

We Support the Troops

Immigrant Man

Barbara Bush’s Dog

Funky Nixons now on all streaming services!

Youtube | Spotify

FN-CD-Cover-Front2016-large