activism, Immigration, Satires

Forget the Wall – I Want a Dome!

Build a wall to stop homo sapiens from traveling across the continent?
The Rocky Mountains didn’t stop people. The Bering Strait didn’t stop people.
And you think a wall will do it? Maybe if you include lots of decorative razor wire?

Supply & Demand – Capitalism 101

Let me pause briefly to explain capitalism.
Sometimes there’s a demand for a product, or for labor, or for a better place to live – and as if by magic, a supply crops up to fill it!
It’s almost like there’s an invisible hand benignly guiding the whole operation.
People want flat-screen TVs? Capitalism fills the demand (and fills the Earth with the old models – more on that presently).
People want illegal drugs and non-prescription pharmaceuticals? There’ll be a supply – you can bet your stock-market money on it.
People demand better snack bars? Voila, Nugo bars, with 12 grams of protein and they taste like a Snickers bar! Now that’s progress!
So – when US farmers need cheap labor, when US yuppies need cheap house-cleaners, or when the CIA ransacks Latin American countries and induces people to trek hundreds of miles in search of a livable home – gee, small surprise that a supply rises to fill the demand.

Walls Just Won’t Work

Walls will never stop the law of supply and demand. There’s never been a wall, or a sea, that could stop humans bent on their destination.
Nor will walls stop 911-style fanatics or Oklahoma City-type domestic terrorists, which some people think might be a greater threat than the Southern border.
 (Nor will walls stop rising sea levels. But that’s another – if closely related – story).

Time For a Dome

No, if we want to secure the Beloved Capitalist Homeland (ie, the patches of Earth that on maps are labelled “USA”), a wall will simply never work.
We need a dome.
And not just any dome, but one designed by American ingenuity and technological prowess.
A noble dome, projecting our justice-loving essence upward and outward toward a hostile world that hates us because we are so free.
Picture it – a shiny bubble of ultra-high-tech plasticene, crowning our purple mountains’ majesty, above the fruit-filled plains where our much-revered corporate farms grow the bio-engineered corn that will sustain us after we fire all of the immigrant laborers.
And the jobs it will create! The plastics industry will boom. Engineers will grow rich computing and testing the exact parabolic arch of the dome. Universities will wax fat on the research handouts.
Even manual laborers will find work cleaning and polishing the dome’s inviolable surface.

Please Donate Now!

We face a national crisis! The government is stymied by legislative paralysis, party politics, lack of vision, and the Bozo in the Oval Office.
We The People must act to ensure our domestic security. If we begin constructing a dome, the American electorate will rally to our righteous cause, and the government will be compelled to assist us!
Please contribute generously, and we will begin building a dome now! Or at least talking a lot about it!
Email small, unmarked bills to: BuildTheDomeNow@Scammail.us
Freedom now! Build the Dome!
Decorative razor wire photo from Military Times.
RazorWireWall-MilitaryTimes
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activism, Culture, Satires

Curbing Rampant Pedestrianism

Lately I’ve noticed an ugly phenomenon in our fair bayside communities – careless and inconsiderate pedestrians have been taking over the sidewalks, forcing legally-sanctioned scooter riders to dodge, swerve, and ultimately to dismount and walk their electrified vehicles!

This has got to stop! Unfortunately, no one acts more entitled than a pedestrian on a sidewalk. You’d practically think they paid for them!

We need to get pedestrians under control before someone gets hurt. When I see scooters constantly having to dodge people on foot, I know it’s just a matter of time until a careless pedestrian is going to accidentally hit and kill a scooter rider. I’m surprised it hasn’t accidentally happened already. Those kind of accidents are to be expected when pedestrians get out of control.

Pedestrian Lanes & Laws

I propose that all sidewalks be marked with clear lanes, and pedestrians be required to stay in their lane unless they signal a turn at least 50 feet in advance.

Anyone intending to walk around SF or Oakland must obtain a license; provide proof of insurance (in case they accidentally hurt a scooter or a scooter-rider); and at all times wear a helmet, kneepads, and turn signals.

A Long-Term Vision

Ultimately, our urban vision must eliminate pedestrians entirely from the city. If enough scooters are strewn around on sidewalks and streets and dumpsters and lakes, there will no longer be any excuse for walking.

Join our campaign to eliminate pedestrianism! Email bartcourier@gmail.com

Image: San Francisco activists pile yuppie scooters in front of techie megabus.

scooter

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Culture, Satires

Becoming A Cultural Influencee

I think I’ve found my new activist calling. I am going to apply to be a cultural influencee.

First I thought I might try to be an influencer. But it looks like you have to do stuff like go on the internet all the time and tell people your innermost random thoughts and all the times someone disses you at a nightclub. That doesn’t sound very fun.

But when I look at the people who are becoming influencers, it’s an impressive bunch – we’re talking Cardi B, Keireth Knightly, and even Steph Curry. Women, people of color, women who are people of color, people of color who are trans women, trans women who are not yet people of color but aspire one day to be – my kind of folks!

An Ally to the Rich and Famous

I started thinking – maybe instead of trying to be a famous influencer myself, I should endeavor to support these already-famous celebrities of diversity.

When they do something that aims to influence people, such as denouncing the president or wearing a new brand of shoes, I could be among the first to be influenced.

I’d be sort of an early adopter of influences.

Just My Luck

Of course, it would be just my luck that I’d wind up starting a trend, and pretty soon everyone would want to be the first in line to be influenced by famous influencers. I’d have to tweet press releases disclaiming any intent to actually influence people to be influenced, all the while realizing that my denial was likely to influence impressionable people to start yet another trend.

So for the record – please respect my desire not to start a cultural trend by becoming an influencee. Go find your own way to impact society!

You can support my efforts to become a cultural influencee by donating to my Anarchist A-Go-Go fund – email small, unmarked bills or large chunks of unsweetened chocolate to: <directactionnovel@gmail.com>

Photo: Famous cultural icon Cardi B, shown here influencing people to make weird faces.

cardi-b-snl

Culture, Satires

America Struggles With Boot-Polish Addiction

Epidemic having deleterious impact on democracy

The United States, already mired in an opiod crisis, is now struggling with a massive addiction to boot polish.

A wave of addictions and abuse have swept the South and the lower Midwest in the past two years, and taken strong hold in the old Rust Belt states.

Many people begin by drooling after the shiny loafers of Fox News commentators. But soon they are subscribing directly to the President’s Twitter feed, lusting after even a glimpse of his buffed leather shoes.

Once hooked, only daily infusions of a thin veneer of recently-applied polish can satisfy the craving.

While the addiction is seldom fatal to individuals, its cumulative impact on democracy is already devastating.

The only possibly cure is for addicts to give up their habit cold turkey by turning off Fox and reading the Guardian, the Times, and the Post.

Satires

The Hardy Girls – Luke Hauser’s Latest!

Direct Action author Luke Hauser, writing under as Dixie W. Franklin, has released Volume 1 of The Hardy Girls Mystery Series”

The Mystery of Rafferty’s Farm

Join Francesca and Josephine Hardy as they set out to solve their first mystery!

Frank and Joe Hardy, former teen detectives, have been retired since their youthful sleuthing wiped out all crime in Bayport. But now a new generation of criminal is back – and it’s up the the Hardy Girls to crack the case, while avoiding parental scrutiny and staying one step ahead of bumbling police chief Oscar Smuff.

The Hardy Girls’ mystery series walks that fine line between fan fiction, social satire, and a rip-roaring kids’ chapter book.

Available in print, downloadable book-formatted PDF, or read online.

Visit their new website: hardygirls01.wordpress.com

activism, Culture, Satires

Online Underwear Ads – Was It Mom?

Underwear Ads & Maternal Concerns

Am I the only one that gets these bright, cheery underwear ads on the home page of my favorite pop-news website? Little pictures of the midsections of svelte young models wearing tight, colorful briefs.

DA-Blog-Undies03-boxersThe JPGs alternate in what old-school binarists would label a male/female pattern, which bothered me at first. But in my experience there are no hard and fast boundaries about who wears what undies, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt on that count.

But I had to wonder – why do I get underwear ads, period, when I’ve never ordered underwear online? Continue reading “Online Underwear Ads – Was It Mom?”