Culture, Satires

America Struggles With Boot-Polish Addiction

Epidemic having deleterious impact on democracy

The United States, already mired in an opiod crisis, is now struggling with a massive addiction to boot polish.

A wave of addictions and abuse have swept the South and the lower Midwest in the past two years, and taken strong hold in the old Rust Belt states.

Many people begin by drooling after the shiny loafers of Fox News commentators. But soon they are subscribing directly to the President’s Twitter feed, lusting after even a glimpse of his buffed leather shoes.

Once hooked, only daily infusions of a thin veneer of recently-applied polish can satisfy the craving.

While the addiction is seldom fatal to individuals, its cumulative impact on democracy is already devastating.

The only possibly cure is for addicts to give up their habit cold turkey by turning off Fox and reading the Guardian, the Times, and the Post.